need another drink. this is the easiest way
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
