Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
