I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
