Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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