I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
