He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
