I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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