1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
only you would photoshop your dick
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
