apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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