I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
