I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
