I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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