you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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