walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
