Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
