wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
