Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
