Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
