I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
