She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
