What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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