Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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