seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We are two peas in an std pod
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
