I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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