god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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