I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
