Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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