P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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