This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
