On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
