Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Watching her eat just hurts me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
