On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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