I am in a vortex of obligation.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
