apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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