I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
