chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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