when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You smell like a Billy Joel song
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
