I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
