its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
