Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
