Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I will pee on everything he values.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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