Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
