I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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