Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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