Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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