This is not my ceiling
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
