my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
