You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I could fuck to npr.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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