whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
