we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
