OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Randomize
