cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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