he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
