Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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