I think I won the penis lottery.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
