WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i came on her dog
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
