Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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