so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
